Have you ever read something that the writer has poured so much of their essential self into that you fall in love with them on the spot? A visceral recognition of a kindred soul, surely narcissistic at heart, but still an exhilarating identification. Such was my experience upon discovering Willie Gluckstern's "The Wine Avenger", an utterly witty, wacky, wonderfully well-written wine resource published in 1998. Noting Gluckstern's bold chapter: "Oak: The MSG of Wine", I knew I'd found a soulmate.
Gluckstern has managed to "distill" all the essential elements that you need to understand and appreciate the often intimidating world of wine into a dynamic and beyond-understandable little paperback (5" x 7", 192 pages). The reading experience is more akin to a spin on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride than an education.
Willie Gluckstern is not only incredibly knowledgeable in all things wine, he is very freakin' funny. He fancies himself a super hero for the vulnerable and unsuspecting wine guzzling masses, pledged to defend them from gouging wine shops, pretentious wine lists and disingenuous wine writers. He conducts wine appreciation seminars for consumers, develops wine lists for restaurants, and has recently put his money where his palate is, importing his own line of food-friendly, value wines. The man married his wife (a German wine rep, natch') in a New York cheese shop. Top that!
I felt so alone in the late 90s when I was an online wine reviewer. I bemoaned the "morning dew on my redwood deck-like" over-oaked white wines I suffered through, often rendered even more unpalatable by that malicious malolactic magic. "Long live assertive acids!" had been my tired old refrain, and many a fellow reviewer on the site found great sport in chiding me for my "too sensitive to wood" palate. I'm sorry. I am repulsed by a wine that storms into the room and whacks me over the tongue with a 2x4. I am offended by wines so flabby and flat they slither into my mouth on slimy bellies, only to lie down and roll over. Imagine my joy when I turned to page 22 and found Gluckstern discussing acidity in white wine: "A first-class white wine is not a 'mellow' wine. It should be a wake-up call anytime of the day." He even called new oak the Antichrist! Wooooooo Hooooooo -- are you my Daddy?
Regarding the type of oak and continent from which it hails used in barrel fermentation and aging he cautions: "If you are actually capable of identifying a specific sub-species of tree in your wine glass, you really need to get out more often." Interspersed between his pithy quips in the first 45 pages Gluckstern offers clear and just-detailed-enough information on grape growing, winemaking, and sensory evaluation. He moves so adroitly, so fresh and funny, you hardly know you are learning something useful. From anyone else, this same data presented in such a rapid and condensed manner could intimidate novices and experts alike for the sheer complexity and terroir covered. Gluckstern makes it approachable and flat out fun -- his ultimate goal as teacher, wine lover and importer.
Gluckstern on Grapes: "Sauvignon blanc from Australia is for mutants." The Avenger makes no secret of his general distaste for chardonnay ("the world's most overrated grape") and merlot ("So what the hell happened to make this innocuous, also-ran variety the rampaging wildebeest of the wine world?"). His favorite white varietals include riesling ("nothing marries better with more foods than riesling"), and his adoration of German rieslings was on record long before his serendipitous marriage. He believes chenin blanc is overlooked and underrated and has a soft spot for sauvingnon blanc. He'll help you understand a wine label and introduce you to a few new white wine grapes.
A walk on the wild red side with Willie brings to you the desirable features and food pairing pleasures to be found in cabernet sauvignon, sangiovese, nebbiolo, syrah, zinfandel, pinot (" 'Noir' is for amateurs") -- both Burgundian and American. How happy I was to see him dub pinot one of the sexiest wines on earth, and along with his beloved riesling, the most versatile food wine in the universe. You've got your barbera, your gamay, and your cabernet franc rounding out the red riff.
Storing, decanting, and sulfites -- oh my: "The most common source of bad wine is a muttonhead winemaker."
Gluckstern covers storing your wine and pouring your wine. How long will it keep? What is corked wine? At what temperature should reds and whites be served? And please, if you learn nothing else from him, don't hold your wine glass by the bowl: "We humans are a greasy species, so for God's sake keep your hot, sweaty mitts off the bowl of your wineglass. Always hold a wineglass by the stem or the base...the right wineglass grip shows terrific breeding."
As for cooking with wine -- here I am shamed: "Never put anything in your food that you wouldn't put in your mouth." So much for all that horrible wine that I save to cook with. (Of course, since I don't cook, it eventually gets tossed down the drain anyway.)
The second half of the book will help you learn to spot and patronize an enlightened wine retailer; how to find a good wine on a bad restaurant wine list; how to understand markup ("those bastards!"); teach you in one-and-a-half pages the protocol for bringing your own bottle into a joint (aka corkage policies); and advise you on how to conduct yourself once inside said joint when confronted with your wine choice: "Sniffing, squeezing, or otherwise fondling a wine cork is a sure sign you hail from an alternate universe. Only a total meniscus looks for color or clarity or legs or sheets or some such pretentious folderol." Two minutes to truly hip, yours for just 11 US dollars!
"In a perfect world, everyone would have a glass of Champagne every evening, no later than 6:00 P.M. People with personality problems would begin each day with a glass." A full chapter homage to Champagne is followed by the über-comprehensive "Wines for Food." Gluckstern shines when pairing wine with food. He offers some general dos and don'ts and then follows up with specifics based on type of food and serving course along with a plethora of ethnic cuisine suggestions. He devotes separate sections to pairing wine with cheese: "A mystery to most people, sort of like North Korea or automobile transmissions" (all the more pertinent eight years after publication). On desserts: "dessert wines are dessert!"
"In case there is anyone in the wine industry I haven't offended in this book, be patient" he concludes. I have hoped for years that there would be a sequel to the Wine Avenger primer -- but alas. If you love wine, or love someone that loves wine, or want to learn to love wine, this book is a must have.
Paraphrasing his own final paragraph: Wherever a retailer tries to slip a crummy wine into a customer's basket, he'll be there. Wherever there's a wine writer pandering to the masses, he'll be there. And wherever it is they put lunatics who rant about the most unpopular wine in the world as if it were the Second Coming, he'll be there. Go visit him. Please?
No comments:
Post a Comment